What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 00:08
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My life is so biszare .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Comes on , in middle age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were not on the streets..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What is the dirtiest city in India?
So, i spoilt her more .
She married twice! .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Would this be the day?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So whats the point in blame.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
When she asked me how she looked .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was scared of men, in general
Ive learnt so much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But ive been too sick for many years..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i lived it daily.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We all went to grammer schools
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I don,t even have a pension.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it wasn’t much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I will be 64.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She loved him until the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She was in good health!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was 9 years of age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My family never makes their pension either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I write beautiful poetry .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Who then, do I blame.?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot live in the past .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I have no regrets .
Im still living with it.
I was seconnd youngest,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
I said to her
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I waited trembling.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What did i know ?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
This is soul school!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Put me off passion for life!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.